Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
The days of good grammer has went
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
TRAIN’S HERE
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit