Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg

flamingo: i’ll manage

spider: same

snake: i have a question

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.