Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Writing, She Murdered.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.