Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
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How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I am HOWLING at this
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]