Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

iron man: it’s not gonna work

me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel

thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?