Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

PARKOUR

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?