Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes