Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Okay, I’m still confused…
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.