“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
there’s music for literally every activity
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
$3 #books
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo