“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
me working on my assignments ^-^
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink