Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Thinking of taking Easter decorations down

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog