Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

Don’t we all.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw