Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Every BBC series about the universe.

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

nobody’s gonna understand

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.

If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.

Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds

me: *how* many seconds???

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.