Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing