Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course