@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

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@Marlebean

Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.

@Cpt_Burnout

Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”

Me: “GOOGLE IT!”

@littleshark87

“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.

@dumbbeezie

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

@omgthatspunny

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A Flat Miner.

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@TheAndrewNadeau

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

@HepatitisAtoZ

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”