Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.