@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

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@JoyofPhysics

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

@jonnysun

grampa: i was sent to war when ur mother was a baby. i didnt kno if i’d see her again

me: noo my uber stopped on the other side of the road

@Cheeseboy22

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

@dyldonot

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

@roboticcrab

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

@TheSharona06

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@CEHudspeth

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.