Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
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Stranger: “Excuse me where is the nearest…”
Me: “GOOGLE IT!”
“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”
“Depends how many cars roll over it”
I should do Kids TV shows.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A Flat Miner.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
J: Hard luck, kid
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong