“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
#DesignFail
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.