Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.