Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
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“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.