Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all