Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
one of
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.