Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
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#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
We avoided this particular disaster
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
marvel comics have peaked
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE