Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
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[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.