Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

ethics professor: ur failing my class

me: [slides over $20] how about now

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.