Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.