Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Breaking news:

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool