Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might carry a baby with one hand.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Emma is smarter than all of us.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.