Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

Wolves should really raise more people.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me:

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

i’m still crying at this

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.