please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
You Might Also Like
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I get distracted pretty eas
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.