“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.