Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

this is funnier than any friends episode

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class