Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers

*weighs self after shaving

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.