please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Florida be like…
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”