please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
#Thanos #MondayMood
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?