please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
You Might Also Like
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.