Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Anyone want a chair?

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

White parent Vs Arab parents

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name