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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
This is so me 😂😂
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
