Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND