Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
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I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Just a phase…
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I just love that new Pope smell.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.