Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
The Assassin.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”