#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
just got my engagement photos
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys