#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
You Might Also Like
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.