#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.