#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
cat vs inanimate object