#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
The opposite of goth is stopth.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Single worst piece of software ever invented
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job