Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

[Dinner Party]

ME: I’d like to raise a glass…

{years later…}

ME: Son, you’re adopted

GLASS: WHAT?!!

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍