Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?