“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
You Might Also Like
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
🧠
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.