Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Bill is short for Billiam
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
multitasking lunch
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”