Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Goodnight 🐶
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.