Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
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[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
every olympics i turn into this guy
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
