*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
grandparents are too precious for this world
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.