Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

Stick it to the man

Covid like

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.