*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[canadians at you, canadianly]
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.