*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Whoa 😂
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.