Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Friggin’ narcs ruin everything

Always.

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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!