Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
You Might Also Like
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
don’t be scared
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*