Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.

*limbos away from your hug*

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

What in the hipster hell is going on here

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing