PLOT TWIST:
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The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says