PLOT TWIST:
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Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.