Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I ain’t wearing no wire
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.