Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
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The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
What a chick magnet..
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.