Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
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95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
and now we wait
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
moms in horror movies
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Always a metermaid never a meter
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?