Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks