Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

the worm is coming from inside the brain

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.