Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.