Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
every olympics i turn into this guy
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!