Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
You Might Also Like
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it