Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON