Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them