Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

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Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Also, this is America so they all have guns.


Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*


Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.


[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what


Don’t look at me like that, Barbie. We’re both stuck in this playhouse.

Just drink your tea.

The toddler will tell us what to do next.


[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha


date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman


me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays