Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se