Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

selena gomez

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.

Somebody had to say it.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less

“Where is the bathroom”

and a bit more

“She was dead when we got here”.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?