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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
The Compass
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out