Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”

Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty